I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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