Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
