the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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