Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
