I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Found your dick twin last night
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
