i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
