So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
