Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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