Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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