the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
