That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
