I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
