I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
