My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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