if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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