Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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