the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Randomize
