Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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