Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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