I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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