i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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