yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
