Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
this will be a night to untag.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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