I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
