he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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