please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish you could order shots online.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
