Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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