wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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