last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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