your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
