Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
