I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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