I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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