I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
