My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
