I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
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