It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
