I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
His nipple licking is glorious
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