you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
