Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so let's talk penis.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
