he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
