I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
