What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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