Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
