he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
