You can't special order awesome
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
