I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
