I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
