I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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