McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
