i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
is wine microwaveable?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
